I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.
I couldn’t help thinking, ‘If I could do that i wouldn’t be flying to Thailand in the first place.’
I tried to brighten my neighborhood by planting dildos all over the boundary wall.
My neighbour was against it, but his wife is still on the fence .
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.
May be a repeat.
A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.
‘Twenty dollars’ she whispers.
Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They’re going ‘at it’ for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.
‘What’s going on here, people?’ asks the officer.
‘I’m making love to me wife!,’ the Newfoundlander answers, sounding annoyed.
‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ says the cop, 'I didn’t know.’
‘Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face.’
My boss touched me inappropriately today, but it’s OK because I’m self employed.
A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex
She turns to him and says,
"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."
He said: "That doesn’t bother me any!"
She responded: "That’s a relief, I much prefer being a Christine.”
What do you call a group of people waiting to get into a Pride festival?
An LGBT queue
What do you call a group of insects waiting to to get their drink in between meetings at a South Korean electronics company?
LG bee tea queue.
What do you call a bunch of British fashion writers waiting at Starbucks?
An Elle GB tea queue