Marital Mirth

"I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300.”

The husband asked, "What would mine go for?”

The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free.”

The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000.”

“How about mine?” the wife asked and the husband replied, "That was where they were holding the auction.”

My wife asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

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Made love to my wife for an hour and 2 minutes last night

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time. I couldn’t have done it without you.

My wife said I was lousy in the bedroom department, but she doesn’t realize how difficult it was to keep an erection with the store manager shouting at me.

Friend: “After 20 years of marriage, sex is down to three times a year.”

Me: “Same here. In fact, if my wife didn’t sleep with her mouth open, I’d get none at all.”

I s my wife ashamed of my body?

A tiny part of me says yes.

If a man with a foot fetish cheated on his wife…
Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?

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Wait, wut?

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There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve
heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls.
Do they however, know the difference between them?

Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British
Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? "

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: “You’re next, Chubby”

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.

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My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn’t working, goodbye.”

I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.

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Aha i thought this rang a bell.

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He’s a keeper!

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A man’s wife accuses him of "testiculating.”
“What the hell is ‘testiculating?’” the man asks.
Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, “It’s when a man is talking bollocks!”
The man considers this for a moment. “Tell me something,” he finally says. “Are you on your period?”
“Yes,” his wife answers. “Why?”
The man nods. "I thought so. You’re ovaryacting.”

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My wife says I only think with my penis.
I asked her to blow my mind.

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