Todays Funny


#135

The young blonde Co-Ed was going door to door looking for Odd Jobs, finally one old boys says “You know how to paint?” “Yes sir, I sure do” he tells her there’s some paint and brushes etc out in the garage, he tells her he wants the old porch out back painted…a couple hours later she comes to the front door and knocks and says well I’m all done, how much are you going to pay me, he hands her $50.00 and then says “Well I suppose I better check out your work” They get back there and the old guy is shocked and yells at her “I said, paint the porch, not my Porsche!”


#136

The way I heard it was she saying “by the way it isn’t a porch, it’s a lamborghini”


#137

#138

https://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p480x480/17862334_10154255297116216_2229193940710520480_n.jpg?oh=3e82470e05a663fce3c81939e4ddc380&oe=59900376


#139

I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.
She rang my room and said, “What the hell are you doing with your life?”

An untalented gymnast walks into a bar …

I went along to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting but all the seats were taken.

My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.

I was walking down the street the other day when this guy with a premature ejaculation problem came out of nowhere.

The railroad boss said to Raw today, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many trains have you derailed so far?”
Raw said, “It’s hard to keep track…”

I told my ex I felt like killing her and she said I needed professional help.
So I hired a hitman.

I’ve recently developed a phobia of elevators.
I’m taking steps to avoid them.

I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story. I think that something scary is about to happen…
I can feel it.

My mom said to me today that at the age of 45, it was about time I had my own place.
I said to her that since she is 75, I was hoping not to have to wait much longer.

A cop arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car has smashed into a tree. He rushes over to the car and asks the driver, “Are you badly hurt?”
“How do I know?” the driver replies. “I’m not a lawyer.”

I’ve designed a new website for orphans.
There isn’t a home page.

What do we want?
– More acronyms.
When do we want them?
– A.S.A.P.


#140


I knew she was more than just a kewpie doll.


#141

https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/18057765_10207328229238569_1811439869017766654_n.jpg?oh=ea74c7e105de4074374641d469e5428c&oe=598E8DE7


#142

https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/17904127_1345673212164710_2169170137166472379_n.jpg?oh=50159c3cba5b2d5c5dfb81500e1887e9&oe=59806EFC


#143

Old girlfriends?


#144

Is this true?

https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/18057861_1915924048661365_3335288813582559421_n.jpg?oh=4a0010e2bb8ccc8aa25ce34d1a52809b&oe=5996C0C1


#145

Just try a little but harder guise!

https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/18118718_10104910179383045_8795862745748013262_n.jpg?oh=9fd3649f2a98513530db899381da59d6&oe=598A1827


#146

https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/17990828_1449395341801497_780935699191157623_n.jpg?oh=f3fcc37443ce83df9b4a117000b3e85f&oe=599798B2


#147

#148


#149


#150

Stahp spying on me!


#151

#152

#153


#154

Majestic af statue pedestal thing!