Yep. How can you work on a problem you keep pushing away? I took antidepressants for a time, not to stop the doldrums, but to take the edge off enough so I could face the demons.
Mine is rejection. I am vigilant beyond belief because I never want to be surprised by someone leaving. I analyze and over analyze everything, presenting myself with every possible scenario so I can mentally prepare for everything. The one where a person leaves, like my father did when I was 4, is the one I always settle on as the most likely eventuality. I am constantly watching for the signs and ready to cut and run at the drop of a hat.
I just don’t know what to replace this mental garbage with.
Because words matter, I want to observe that the father scenario sounds more like abandonment than rejection. Maybe that’s just me.
Yes, that would be a better word but in relationships on a more equal footing, it translates to rejection…I think.
Rejection it sounds to me is someone trying to explain the abandonment by rationalizing that they somehow deserved it. This is a very typical and normal way for a 4-year-old to cope because someone that age is always trying to find explanations for the universe. Ask yourself how it could have been your fault, and look for the answer. “Because I existed” is not a good answer because you had no choice in that matter, and thus does not reflect in your worth as a person.
I don’t blame myself because I was a clueless child but my father left me with a very abusive mother. I was the only child who got the beats to boot.
I take far more responsibility for things than I should because I feel that responsibility gives me control and control means I can fix what’s wrong.
I just don’t want to be blindsided.
Exactly. Ponder that with a dose of “and how is that working for you?”. The feelings that come with it are part of the package, though unpleasant. But feelings won’t kill you, so I am told. Nor do they make you weak; in fact facing them shows strength (not trying to shame you out of avoidance, this is a self-talk item only).
Have you ever gone to a support group? They can work wonders. Sometimes maybe more than therapy.
I did a CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) support group for over a year. I’ve seen numerous counsellors and shrinks. Something just doesn’t click for me.
Feelings may not kill you but the self talk that can come with them sure can do a number on ya.
How about a support group with people who have similar issues? Or even a 12-step group?
The self talk has to be redirected. Address it as if it were a hurt child and tell it the truth. And then listen to what you say from the other side. A shrink can tell you things but a GOOD shrink will lead you to your own answers that you internalize yourself. You are the only one that can help yourself, which sounds like abandonment, but in effect will work to close that gap.
I think I’m just going to end up exhausting myself and shutting it down out of tired boredom.
It is hard and tedious. I understand the magnitude, trust me, and I’ve only come so far. This is just what’s worked for me up to now, your process and mileage (do you still have miles up there?) will be different.
How do you know when it’s time to walk away from a relationship?
I’d have to say you need to figure out what’s really blocking your progress. If it’s the other, then you may have an answer to that. If it’s you, and you’re just putting it on the other, more thought is required.
What if you just feel like you’re not healthy enough to be in a relationship?
This is above my pay grade. Sorry. Definitely not enough info to come up with a good answer for you. And I’m not comfortable telling you to leave a relationship.
Fucking self help! It makes you do it yourself. >:|