He’s new to me since I never see the actual newspaper any more. It’s nice to have a Chicago voice in the humor section, since Bob Greene and Mike Royko are long gone.
Here’s his take on the Insurrectionists.
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Hello, I am a patriotic supporter of President Donald Trump who broke into the U.S. Capitol and attacked police officers because I believed the election was stolen and it was my duty to overthrow the government using only a flagpole I picked up along the way and the horns on the cool viking helmet I wore.
I am now being told I have lost my job and might go to prison. This is an absurd, Orwellian trampling of my First Amendment rights, according to a person I follow on Twitter.
What kind of country are we if an outstanding citizen like myself can be fired, arrested and charged with domestic terrorism just because I livestreamed myself joining hundreds of other freedom fighters in attempting to crush a screaming law enforcement officer before defecating in the offices of Democratic lawmakers?
As the CEO of a small company, my rights have been constantly trampled by leftists and I have had to endure unspeakable horrors like using LED lightbulbs and having my Facebook account shut down because I kept using it to threaten a violent uprising against my own country. And now, just because I destroyed federal property, put the lives of members of Congress at risk and engaged in an attack that led to the death of a police officer, I’m the one who has to face consequences?!?
That seems both unfair and tyrannical. I have never once had to face consequences before, so clearly there’s a problem.
Fortunately, I have a highly paid lawyer on retainer who joined me in Washington, D.C., and he will be representing me in this matter as soon as he posts bail on charges of domestic terrorism and fights back at the employer who fired him.
And now, I turn the microphone over to a Republican lawmaker from my district.
Hello, I am a Congressional Republican who loudly repeated President Donald Trump’s claims that the 2020 presidential election was “rigged” and “stolen.” I also egged on the pro-Trump mob that stormed the U.S. Capitol.
It is tragic that large corporate donors like Hallmark, American Express and Marriott are saying they will no longer give me money and that my colleagues in the Democratic Party are attempting to have me removed from office because I committed an innocent act of sedition and may have incited people to attempt a violent disruption of government activity.
Clearly this is an attempt to silence me, and no, I do not believe it’s ironic that I’m saying that in front of a large bank of television cameras.
What we need right now in this country is unity. Clearly, the only way to achieve unity is for Democrats and all others disturbed by the domestic terrorist attack on the U.S. Capitol to immediately stop trying to blame those responsible for the attack and to not hold them accountable in any way.
Did the FBI issue an internal bulletin Monday warning of plans for armed protests in all 50 state capitals and in Washington in the days before President-elect Joe Biden is inaugurated? Yes, but I’m sure that has nothing to do with the prior deadly insurrection I may or may not have incited.
What I do know is this: To bring Americans together, we should all be laser focused on the fact that I have lost 20,000 Twitter followers in the past day, a clear act of censorship that certainly has no connection to the social media company’s decision to purge white supremacists, violent conspiracy theorists and other users propagating dangerous disinformation.
And now I’ll hand things over to a right-wing radio talk show host.
Hi there, I’m a conservative radio host and I’m deeply troubled that I might get fired if I continue to say the presidential election was rigged or do anything to inspire heavily armed citizens to lash out violently at our government.
Though I’ve been doing all of that nonstop for the past several months, I learned Monday that my company “will not tolerate any suggestion that the election has not ended. The election has been resolved and there are no alternate acceptable ‘paths.’” Anyone who suggests otherwise “can expect to separate from the company immediately.”
This is clearly unconstitutional, as the Founding Fathers firmly believed private broadcasting companies must let their employees say whatever they want, no matter how baseless, inflammatory or anti-democratic it might be.
Frankly, I don’t want to live in a country where the company paying me an enormous amount of money can fire me simply because I say something like: “I’m telling you, folks, they ARE STEALING YOUR COUNTRY OUT FROM UNDER YOU AND IF YOU DON’T STAND UP, RIGHT NOW AND TAKE UP ARMS AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT, THE GOVERNMENT IS GOING TO COME AND STEAL YOUR CHILDREN AND ENSLAVE THEM AND THEN BOIL YOU AND SERVE YOU TO YOUR ENSLAVED CHILDREN!!!”
As the others here today have already made clear, actions that lead to violence, death and an attempted coup must NOT be met with consequences. Rather, they should be met with appeasement and an admission that everything was actually the fault of liberals.
Anything less is an outrage, a trampling of our First Amendment rights, censorship, tyranny and an attempt to destroy America, which, quite frankly, is our job.
We will now refuse to take questions.