Liturgical LOLs


#1

First one’s for BD6

.

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it’s rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel on their property since.


#2

Here is an updated classic…

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

  1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
  7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”
  12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry,”
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s!

#3

Two men are standing on the front lawn of a church. One man is leaning on the church’s sign and the other is looking at it from the front.

The sign reads :

OAK ROAD Bible Believing, Hand Clapping, Foot Stomping, Hemlines-Below-the-Knee, Tie Wearing, Blood Washed, Coffee-And-Donuts-During-Sunday-School Eating, Council of Nicaea Appreciating, Non-Denominational CHURCH

The man leaning on the sign says, “When you don’t believe in written creeds, you have to squeeze a lot of doctrine into your name.”


#4

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. “Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”

“Oh, I’ll let my husband know as soon as I get home”

“That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away.”

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

“Well, dear, what exactly did he say?”

“He said the reflector is broken.”

“I can fix that in two minutes. Anything else?”

“I’m not sure, something about the emergency brake.”


#5

I think that’s the Church Capt. Bob my VA Hospital Nam Chopper pilot went to.

“Uh err, so what Church do you go to Bob?”

“Lol, you mean what brand am I, lololol, It’s just a little ole church down the road, where we preach the word of the Lord, blah blah blah, I don’t think we’ve even got a name on the building, lol”


#6

The Priest had to run, so he had his assistant take confessions. The assistant had never done so, so he had a cheat-sheet of the requisite penances for certain transgressions.

First guy comes in – “Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It’s been six months. I had impure thoughts about my neighbor, and watched online p0arn twice.”

The associate looks at his chart and says “OK, that’ll be 2 Hail Marys and 3 Our Fathers. Your sins are forgiven.”

First guy leaves, second guy comes in – " I took extra hotdogs from my neighbor’s BBQ without telling him, and have been using his WiFi."

Associate: “That’s 3 Hail Marys and one Our Father. Go in peace.”

Third guy: " I met my secretary at a hotel and we exchanged oral sex".

The associate cannot find this on his chart, so he asks the man to wait while he excuses himself for a moment. After searching for the Priest for some time, he happens upon an acolyte and asks “What are you supposed to get for oral sex?”

The acolyte answers “Usually ten bucks and a candy bar.”


#7

#8

#9

Christmas and Easter - LMAO


#10

#11

https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13502056_10154282836103832_7444157500666981987_n.jpg?oh=81a1b5cb734b67079e48e98387f7cfc1&oe=57F8DAA5


#12

https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13466150_1262713147102676_545633221227869397_n.jpg?oh=57c6ddd955b862c6175a1281f04963d8&oe=57F2DAB6


#13

Don’t forget the Baby Jesus Buttplug in Asphyxiation Blue


#14

HOLY CRAP!!!

(and I am being descriptive, damn all-caps Nazi)


#15

#16

I decided to go to the local mosque at Wodonga, Victoria for the
first time to see what it was all about:

I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:

“By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you will walk today.”

I told him I wasn’t paralyzed, I only had a small bunion on my left foot.

He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly
repeated his mantra:
“By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you will walk today.”

Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After prayers I stepped outside? And Fuck me ----

MY CAR WAS GONE !!!


#17

https://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s526x395/14095733_1731246210470788_1342184400048573911_n.jpg?oh=73df5c1baba3f1b4faae9d381e5a2e6d&oe=5855ADCD


#18

https://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14199249_10153849621928193_4913785865720036317_n.jpg?oh=7780555c76cac623cef543552ff5153a&oe=583A057D

Yes I am aware that syke is an incorrect spelling for psych, just roll with it.


#19

#20