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In Iran, everyone is so very afraid of spiders.
But in Iraq no phobia.
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My friend told me, âYour wife and daughter look like twins!â
I said, âWell, they were separated at birth.â
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I think this guy is a one man punster with a website, since I get a lot of his sign shots from a pal in email.
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That last one reminds me of this joke:
When legendary skier Picabo Street was injured, she was well cared for in the hospital nearby. To thank the hospital, she made a large donation, and in response the hospital upgraded their Intensive Care Unit and renamed it the Picabo ICU.
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Pun dump
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How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work
âI have a split personality,â said Tom, being Frank.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says âThe Titanic is syncing.â
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it
When life gives you melons, youâre dyslexic
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen
Itâs hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Whatâs the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, âWhatâs your favorite kind of music?â The other says, âIâm a big metal fan.â
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? Thereâs no menu - you get what you deserve
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldnât find any
What do you call a bee that canât make up its mind? A maybe
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case
When everything is coming your way, youâre in the wrong lane
A cross-eyed teacher couldnât control his pupils
She had a photographic memory but never developed it
Is it ignorance or apathy thatâs destroying the world today? I donât know and donât really care
I wasnât originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind
Which countryâs capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day itâs Dublin.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other âhow do you drive this thing?â
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: âThatâs the last thing I need!â
Need an ark? I Noah guy
I used to be indecisive; now Iâm not so sure
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed
My wife told me I shouldnât put the Mexican desserts on the center console of the car.
Thatâs when the shift hit the flan.
Keeping tropical fish at home can have a truly calming effect on the brain.
Due to all the indoor fins.
Today I learned that if youâre in a canoe and it flips over in the water,
you can safely wear it on your head.
Because itâs capsized.
==
A man came up to me and said âMan, your clothes look gayâ.
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morningâ.
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A mention of Spoonâs long lost cousin, from the Wiki article on [puns]
Sometimes called âbooks never writtenâ or âworldâs greatest booksâ, these are jokes which consist of fictitious book titles with authorsâ names that contain a pun relating to the title.[17] Perhaps the best-known example is: âTragedy on the Cliff by Eileen Doverâ, which according to one source was devised by humourist Peter DeVries.[18] It is common for these puns to refer to taboo subject matter, such as âWhat Boys Love by E. Norma Stittsâ.[17]
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I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery.
Her name was Eileen and she was in charge of the hops.
(I am still trying to figure out where the other leg worked)
Wow, this reminds me of a really creepy joke about the guy who dated a paraplegic girl whose dad owned a small meatpacking plant.
do tell!
Okay, not sure where to archive it but will happily move it later according to the communityâs voice.
Guy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two. See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them.
So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a
few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As heâs about to ask the third girl to dance he notices sheâs in a wheelchair and then sees him looking at her chair he feels awkward.
Not wanting to be a jerk he says, You want to go out there and
show them how itâs really done?
Smiling she agrees and they have a great time.
After a while both of his friends took off with both of hers.
Back at the table, he asks her if sheâs got a ride home.
She tells him, no but I can call someone to pick me up.
Trying to be nice he tells her nonsense Iâll give you a ride!
On the ride theyâre laughing and getting along well and she
tells him, Iâm really enjoying spending time with you and
am not ready for the night to end yet, why donât you drive
over to my daddyâs packing house and we can park there
in the employee lot.
They go there and park, and are talking for a while,
when she finally kisses him.
Iâm sorry, she blushes, youâre just so nice and I like
you.
itâs perfectly fine. he smiles.
Would you like to make love to me? she asks.
He agrees and they start going at it, but with her
legs itâs hard to do in the truck.
She thinks and says, I have a key to this
building, take me inside. And she guides him
to the cutting room where thereâs a big ass stainless
steel table, all sparkly clean, and above it there are
steel rails with big ass meat hooks that slide aroundâŚ
She says, Put me up on the table and hook the backs
of my knees into the crooks of a couple of those hooks,
and you can give it to me real good.
So they go at it, finish up and he wipes down
the table, turns off the lights, loads her back up
and drives her home.
After he wheels her to the door her dad comes out.
Come here boy, he says, gesturing him over.
Alarmed, he walks over, uhh yes sir?
I just wanted to thank you for driving her, that was damn decent of you and I
havenât seen her smile like that in years.
Feeling guilty, he says, Itâs no big deal I was glad
to do it.
No no, her father replies, you donât understand,
youâre really a good man, most guys just leave her on
the hooks.
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What do you call a large mammal that lives in swamps and shouts obscenities at passers by?
A hippopottymouth.
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