CONTENTS: One (1) Generic Sex Humor Thread

A man and woman were having sex and the woman was dissatisfied

Woman : You know, this wasn’t what I expected when you said you were magical in bed
The man takes out a deck of cards and pulls out a ten of hearts
Man : And is this your card?
Woman : Holy shit



So where is the measuring tape for the forensic evidence?

What do you call a student who graduated at the top of her class and who screams during sex?

Cum Laude


Just another dad joke

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad

WIFE: Second: No you’re not

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Did you hear about the two gay ghosts?
They gave each other the willies

This chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said," Is that Corona or Heineken??"

I said, “There’s a tap underneath; taste it and find out”

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right”

I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you”

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, “Nice legs”

The girl giggled and said with a smile, “Do you really think so”

I said “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now”

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

“Really” she said, “Go on then…try…”

After about thirty minutes of fondling, she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born ??”

I said, “On your birthday”

I asked a Prostitute: “How Much For A Hand Job ??”

Lady: “2500 Do You Want One ?”

I : “No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self”

My successful knee surgery

The surgery went well. My knee x-ray highlighted the problem right away.
One knee didn’t have enough cartilage and had to be replaced.
You can see what they added in the x-ray below.
Mine must have been a very unusual case because every nurse at the hospital had to come take a look at the x-rays. They started bringing me extra trays of food, milk shakes, and boxes of chocolates… they even left their phone numbers so I called them back to thank them.
They were all so nice. They wanted to help me at home with my recovery.
One even said she’d move in until I could get back on my feet. I’m a lucky man.


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In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.



Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 10 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman’s husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, ‘Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy - ‘I have a football.’
Man - ‘That’s nice.’
Boy - ‘Want to buy it?’
Man - ‘No, thanks.’
Boy - ‘My dad’s outside.’
Man - ‘OK, how much?’
Boy - ‘£250’
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - ‘Dark in here.’
Man - ‘Yes, it is’
Boy - ‘I have football boots.’
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘OK How much this time?’
Boy - ‘£750’
Man - ‘Sold.’
A few days later, the boys’ father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let’s go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, ‘I can’t, I sold my ball and boots.’
The father asks, ‘How much did you sell them for and to who?’
The boy says, ‘To a friend of mine for a £1,000…’
The father says, ‘That’s a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that’. ‘That’s four times what they cost when they were new, I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.’
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, ‘Dark in here’…
The priest says, ‘Don’t start that shit again you little bugger you’re in my cupboard now’!!



This is a long joke. I hope that it is worth the read.:grin:

Trust me, it is. I wouldn’t have bothered to C&P it if it weren’t.

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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.