Culinary Lulz

How to prepare Tofu:

  1. Throw it in the trash.
  2. Grill some Meat.

I’ve been preparing tofu for years exactly like that.

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I used to have lunch with a girl who liked tofu - I ate it cause I wanted to get in her pants

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Now THAT’s desperate!

It would have been some fine high class pussy - unfortunately it was one of my few failures

I’m sorry to hear that.

I went vegan for a couple months to impress some NYC pussy

I mean, I TOLD her I was doing it. And I kept my promise when we ate together

I spent the weekend on her house in Astoria a couple times

By Sunday evening, my head would be light with the lack of decent food

I could barely read the drivethru menu at a Wendy’s 3 blocks from her house by then

I broke up with her when we went to a Brazilian bbq in my uncle’s house and she didn’t want to stay because of “stench of burned meat”

I drank some cheap ass kiddie wine, might have been Annie Green Springs, kind of a forerunner to Wine coolers sweetened and awful, one night because hot chick was, oh my gawd I puked my guts out later.

I was enjoying the most delicious burger at the food court.

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, “You know, a cow died so you could have that burger.”

Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, “Maybe he died because you keep eating all its damn food!”


You could have told him the cow would have never been born if not fer folks eating cows

Wrap yer head around that

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I found a nice French wine that has notes of rebellion and authoritarianism.

It’s called Pinot Chez.

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My girlfriend dumped me over my love for pasta

And now I’m feeling cannelloni

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Me: Oh no, I’m out of cumin
Me: Whoa, I did not see that c–
Me: Shut up.

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